Keep Pipe Cleaners Legal!

Keep Pipe Cleaners Legal!

I've got to stop by to visit my favorite tobacconist after work tonight to stock up on pipe cleaners. I mean REALLY stock up on pipe cleaners! Big time! Like, how much does a crate of pipe cleaners go for?

Did you know that most small neighborhood shops no longer sell pipe cleaners? I almost ran out this week and tried to find some while on my way home from work. At two drug stores that I visited, I went into lengthy descriptions of pipe cleaners until I realized that the clerks I was speaking with had never seen one. At the local convenience store the clerk told me that he didn't have pipe cleaners but he did stock pipe tobacco. I asked him how anyone buying pipe tobacco might be expected to clean a pipe. His response was "We just stock pipe tobacco. I've never actually sold any." At my last stop, the cashier said that she thought that pipe cleaners were no longer manufactured; at least their distributor stopped delivering them. I asked her how could they do such a thing when school kids need them to construct little furry animals in their crafts classes. She told me point blank that pipe cleaners had been banned because one of these little school kids put out an eye while constructing a furry little animal.

So there you have it. To summarize:

  1. Pipe cleaners are no longer sold.
  2. Pipe cleaners are no longer manufactured.
  3. Pipe cleaners have been classified as a hazardous product and legislated out of existence.
  4. B.J. Long was arrested, convicted and sentenced to 5 years in prison for his role in the production and distribution of pornography.
  5. Nobody buys pipe tobacco anymore. Their pipes are so clogged from lack of cleaning that they cannot be smoked.

Obviously, as this has all the hallmarks of an internet hoax, I'm emailing this message to as many people as possible, and I urge you to do the same. And sticking with the correct format for this type of message, here's the plea to write to your congressman about reversing this injustice. Remember, this message will probably circulate around the internet for many years, so be sure to remove the quote indicators from the left column before sending it along. Please do your part.

Randy Winchester
a.k.a. Ricochet
15 June 2001